The Doctor grinned. "Yes, Sarah, the Eye of Orion is one of the most tranquil places in the entire Universe."
Five seconds later, they heard gunfire.
"Typical," Sarah said. "We land on the most peaceful planet in the Universe and someone starts shooting! Can't we, for once, just land somewhere there isn't a war?"
The Doctor seemed to ignore her. She had noticed that was one of the traits of this incarnation. Having said that, it was also a trait of his previous self, so there was some consistency!
"Let's get closer, see what's going on," the Doctor said, leading the way and assuming Sarah was following.
One of these days, she thought, I'm not going to follow. I'm going to stay where I am and wait for him to come back. But not today.
They crept along behind one of the ruined stone walls that were a prominent feature of the landscape. The Doctor had told her they were all that remained of a highly advanced civilisation that had simply vanished without a trace. One of the great mysteries of the Universe, he said.
Carefully, they raised their heads above the wall. As they did so, a renewed burst of gunfire sent them ducking back.
"Did you see anything?" asked Sarah.
"Nothing much. Some sort of armoured warriors. We're still too far away. Come on!" The Doctor set off again, his scarf trailing behind like a faithful dog.
Muttering a curse, accompanied swiftly by a prayer, Sarah followed.
They made it to a standing archway without being shot at. Slowly they looked through.
Marching across the plain below them was a horde of menacing silver figures. Familiar silver figures.
"Cybermen!" they exclaimed together.
"What are they doing here?" Sarah wanted to know.
The Doctor frowned. "I don't know, but I intend to find out."
Here we go again, thought Sarah as they left the safety of the arch and trailed the silver creatures at a safe distance.
They ducked behind a handy ruin as gunfire rattled across the landscape once more. This was followed by a buzzing sound, as the silver tide fired back.
"Who are they fighting?"
"Don't know," the Doctor admitted. "But I'll bet it's an uneven contest."
Again they left their hiding place. They found that their quarry had stopped marching. They were gathered around a small group of humans. Sticking to the ruins, the Doctor and Sarah managed to get closer.
Sarah risked a peek over a low wall. She studied the silver giants. They certainly looked like Cybermen, but now she could see that there were differences. The faceplates were more moulded. The handles at either side of the head were missing. Also, there were differences to the chest and limbs.
The Doctor was beside her, gazing at the invaders as well. He looked deep in thought.
"They're not Cybermen, are they?"
He shook his head. "It would appear not."
"Then what are they?"
The Doctor sighed. "I have no idea!"
As the Doctor and Sarah watched, one of the silver warriors reached out and grasped one of the humans. With ease, it lifted the man into the air, preparing to hurl him to the ground.
Sarah drew in a shocked breath. The Doctor looked grim.
"And cut!" yelled a voice to their right and the silver figure froze. Slowly and gently, it lowered the man to the ground.
"Right," continued the voice, "everybody take five while the stuntman gets ready."
The Doctor and Sarah exchanged a glance. Slowly, they stood up.
The not quite Cybermen were milling about, chatting. Some of them had removed their faceplates, to reveal very human faces underneath. Over to the right, in a slight dip, were the cameras and crew of a film unit.
Sarah grinned. "It's a movie set!"
The Doctor nodded. "It would appear so," he mused. Then his face brightened at a thought. "I wonder if there's anybody famous in it? Come on!"
Sarah sighed. I don't know where he gets the energy, she thought. But this time she didn't mind following.
Soon they were among the cast and crew, talking. The Doctor was chatting animatedly to one of the silver suited actors when a small, stout man in a flowered shirt, shorts and sunglasses approached.
"And just who the hell are you?" the man challenged.
"Hello. I'm the Doctor. Would you like a jelly baby?"
The little man ignored the paper bag the Doctor offered. "I don't remember hiring a medic as part of the crew."
"I'm not part of the crew," the Doctor admitted. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a jelly baby? The green ones are excellent."
"They're shooting an alien invasion film," Sarah announced, dashing up to the Doctor. "It's based on an actual Cyberon invasion." She pronounced the name carefully, so as not to confuse it with their first thought, Cybermen.
The Doctor grinned. "This is my best friend, Sarah Jane Smith. I don't think I got your name?"
The man sighed. "Tubby Botichelli, director and producer of this film. Now, could you both stand aside, we're trying to make a movie here!"
"Of course," the Doctor replied, ushering Sarah away.
Botichelli turned away, shouting orders to his cast and crew.
"Did you say Cyberon?" the Doctor said to Sarah when they were alone.
She nodded. "That's what John, one of the human extras, told me. Are they like Cybermen?"
The Doctor thought for a moment. "I've never heard of Cyberons. Therefore, I believe they are one and the same."
"But in that case, why not call them Cybermen? Why not get the costumes right?"
"I don't know. Mistake? Political Correctness? Copyright Law? Could be any number of reasons."
Sarah drew his attention back to the crew. "They're starting up again."
Botichelli was sat in a folding chair, smoking a fat cigar. "Action!" he yelled.
As the Doctor and Sarah watched, the lead Cyberon held the stunt actor high above his head, ready to hurl him to the ground.
"Hold it!" the Doctor called, stepping forward.
I knew this guy would be trouble, Botichelli thought. "What is it, Doctor?" he said aloud.
"These are supposed to be emotionless, cybernetic killers, right?" the Doctor inquired.
Botichelli nodded. "That is correct. What's your point?"
"Well, they don't look much like it," the Doctor said. He gestured to the silver horde. "Look at that one, slouched against a wall. And that one, with his arms folded. That's hardly menacing!"
The director followed where the Doctor indicated. The strange looking fellow was right, he conceded. This lot did seem less and less the mighty army the more you looked.
"You have experience of these things, Doctor?"
"A little," the Time Lord said, shrugging modestly.
"Would you like to help, as a technical advisor?"
"Well," the Doctor said, pausing for thought. Then he grinned hugely. "Why not?"
Sarah sighed. The Doctor could be insufferable enough sometimes. Now, he was going to be in his element.
Shooting on the film continued. For the big confrontation scene, between the human hero and the Cyberon leader, the Doctor pointed out that ruthless, emotional cyborgs didn't stand with their hands on their hips. He criticised the Cyberon army for mincing rather than marching. He even advised one of the 'aliens' on how to look dominant without really trying.
"Cut!" yelled Botichelli. "Very good. Now, everybody take five. Next scene is Cyberon control room."
Sarah searched out the Doctor, who was talking enthusiastically with one of the technicians.
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," she said.
He nodded. "It's nice to be appreciated, for a change. Not having guns shoved under my nose all the time."
"Go on, admit it," Sarah challenged. "You're loving it!"
The Doctor considered her comment. "Yes. Yes, I suppose I am."
The two friends watched as the Cyberon control set was slotted together. Suddenly, the Doctor leapt forward, scattering technicians and actors in his wake.
"Hold it, hold it!" he commanded. "Stop right there!"
"What is it?" Botichelli asked, appearing out of a cloud of cigar smoke. "What's wrong?"
"What are those?" the Doctor asked, pointing.
The director followed his finger. "They look like chairs. What's wrong with them?"
"Chairs?" the Doctor echoed. "In the control room of a cybernetic race? A race who won't get tired or bored, and therefore won't need chairs?"
Botichelli puffed on his cigar for a few seconds. "Good point, Doctor, well made. Hargen! Where is that set designer?"
As the director stomped off, Sarah tapped the Doctor on the shoulder.
"I was right," she declared. "You're having the time of your lives!"
***
"What 'ave we 'ere?"
"The plans for the rebel base, leader."
"Excellent!" declared the Cyberon leader, thumping one fist into the other palm.
"Stop!" shouted the Doctor. He waved a copy of the script in the air. "Who wrote this?"
"What's wrong with it, Doctor?" asked the director.
"An emotionless being wouldn't use a word like 'Excellent', or invest it with so much feeling."
"What would such a being say?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Satisfactory. Something along those lines."
Botichelli nodded. "Anything else, Doctor?"
"Yes," the Doctor replied. He turned to the Cyberon leader. "Lose the accent. Cockney aliens are not that common. Unless the Cyberons captured and converted Dick Van Dyke, it just doesn't sound right."
The silver 'alien' nodded his agreement. The Doctor returned to his position, just off camera.
"Show off!" Sarah commented.
The Doctor just winked and they went back to watching the action.
***
When the filming was completed, Botichelli insisted on walking them back to their spacecraft.
"I can't thank you enough, Doctor. This is the film that will launch my career, I can feel it in my water!"
"I just do my best," the Doctor said modestly as they approached the TARDIS.
The director shook him firmly by the hand. "Thank you again. Goodbye Doctor, Miss Smith."
"Goodbye, Mister Botichelli," the Doctor said. "And good luck with the movie."
Sarah followed him into the TARDIS, pausing on the threshold to wave goodbye to their new friend.
Moments later, the TARDIS vanished noisily.
"Wow, some special effect!" breathed Botichelli.
***
" 'I just do my best' indeed!" Sarah mimicked. "You loved every minute of that."
The Doctor struck a noble pose. I'm just pleased to have been involved in something that will inspire the younger generation!"
Epilogue
On the screen, the Cyberon ship exploded, the heroes cheered and the credits began to roll.
"What a load of dross!" Eric declared. "I don't know why I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching it!"
"It did have some educational value," rumbled Mong's voice from the dimness of the TARDIS' DVD cinema.
"It certainly taught me a lesson," Eric said. "Next time, I choose the movie!" He just hoped that the DVD library included Terminator 2, rather than the Police Academy movies.
"You haven't seen the best bit yet," the Doctor told them, trying to draw their attention back to the screen.
"What?" Eric asked. "I have to watch that rubbish AND the credits? How much torture can the mind take?"
An indrawn breath from the darkness signalled that Mong was about to answer his last question. A jabbed elbow into furry ribs stopped the lecture.
"Technical Director, Kevin Sixsmith," Eric intoned flatly, reading from the screen. "Script Editor, Jonathan Fanz. Music, Peter Fish." He stopped when he could feel the Doctor's scowl from behind.
"There it is," the Doctor said.
"Producer and Director, Tubby Botichelli," Eric read. "What does that tell us?"
"No, above that," the Doctor said. He had paused the playback, so they could read it easier.
"It must take an odd sort of person to make something like this," Eric said to Mong. Then he looked back at the screen.
There it was, in black and white. "Technical Advisor and Script Consultant, Doctor J. Smith." Eric and Mong looked at each other, then over their shoulders at the beaming figure of the Doctor.
